In our society, we’ve made feeling vulnerable wrong. We’ve made it to mean that there is something wrong with us so of course we are not going to easily ‘expose’ the areas we feel “weak in” to others.
When we avoid feeling vulnerable, we are NOT dealing with the root cause so we are not really healing the core wound, which only leaves us MORE vulnerable in the long run. We are left running this pattern on overdrive. Overtime, we believe our anger is THE problem.
But it’s not…
Anger masks shame
Anger masks embarrassmentAnger masks fear
Anger masks insecurity
Anger masks guilt
Anger masks sadness
Anger masks helplessness
Anger masks rejection
Anger masks anxietyThe list can go on…
Although it’s a valid emotion on its own, (you may see this come up when someone has crossed our sacred boundary) it’s important to search for any underlying emotions that need to be addressed and
validated. Although these reasons don’t justify the anger outburst, they can indicate an unmet need.
Anger can be the first line defence but if we stay in the angry mode and focus on the angry outburst, we miss the opportunity to heal the deeper issue. This issue is really calling out to be noticed and what will bring about true emotional health.
Have you ever had an angry outburst with your partner and then got defensive to justify why you were angry? We’ve all been there. Left unchecked, this habit becomes detrimental to the union.
It can be full blown screaming, raised voices or it can come out as sarcastic comments, impatience, arrogance (superiority/entitlement), resentment or criticism. If this becomes your ‘relationship tone’, you’re headed for trouble.
A common statement following this, that I often hear from my clients is “I can’t admit those things to my partner because he won’t get it and then I’ve exposed myself” — My answer is .. and? …
However, we also have an emotional and very human need to be seen, heard and validated. When we are not feeling seen, heard and validated and we use anger to mask the underlying wound, we are creating an unhealthy dynamic in our relationships which overtime can lead to breakdowns
If you are with someone that you cannot express these vulnerabilities with then you’re either with the wrong person or you haven’t created an emotional safe space for BOTH of you to be seen, heard and validated. These are very learnable skills and
I’d invite you to check out my 3 hour power session to help you create a strategy to get you both on track towards emotional safety.
Learn more about the 3 hour power session here!It does take time to ‘undo’ bad habits so in the meantime, I encourage you, my beauty, to continue to express your vulnerabilities because at the end of the day,
you are honoring YOU and your relationship with yourself is the MOST important part of building a strong relationship with someone else. Go into it knowing that you might not get the response from your partner just yet. It is a work in progress but at least you are still being honest about the core issue that is REALLY bothering you and not masking it any longer. You’re actually dealing with the ‘triggers’ that we talked about last week.
Now if your partner’s anger is abusive, that’s a whole other conversation! That one requires an in depth assessment, so give me a shout!
